Monday, December 1, 2008

Dear Osama

by Father

Dear Osama:

I hope you don’t mind my calling you by your first name.

Thanks for the nice congratulatory letter to President Elect, Barack Obama.  Hearing from your buddy al-Zawahiri must have made his day.  By the way, how long did it take you two to dig up that old racist expression “house negro?”  Pretty tame rhetoric from you but nasty nonetheless.

So, here we are just about 10 years out from your first big deal massacre in Tanzania and Kenya and almost eight years since your Michael Angelo moment: the hit on ground zero in New York. 

Osama, I’ve been thinking about the big picture; your return on investment; efficiency of operation; potential for future growth.  All that stuff that our brilliant American investment brokers kick around and, I must say, the bottom line does not look too good.

Here’s my fairly crude, fairly random sampled, fairly unscientific take on this whole terrorist thing you’ve had going on, Allah only knows, for how long.

I’ll start with the Embassy bombings:  12 Infidels and 212 locals killed.  (Highly unscientific assumption:  the majority of locals were Muslim.)

Then came 9/ll/01:  4,000 Infidels killed (round numbers) and zero Muslims.  This lead to the invasion of Iraq by the Bush/Chaney cabal so I’ll factor in the number of deaths as the result of the Iraq war. (After all, you are as much to blame as Bush/Chaney.) Number of dead suicide bombers: ____ (you fill in this blank.)  Number of dead ordinary citizens (assume 90% Muslim):  500,000 (ballpark figure):  Number of Infidels killed (American soldiers):  more than 4,000.

I won’t even get into the Madrid Train bombings, the London Subway bombings, and terrorist events, small by comparison to the others, but the kill ratio of Muslims to Infidels is around six times.  Now, I don’t have an MBA, but even I know that this is a classic example of a failed business plan.

We have just elected a new President who seems to be a brilliant man, of excellent moral character, who genuinely wants to make the world a better place for everyone, including the Islamic world.  In light of your really, really bad track record, I would like to make a suggestion:  Why not “hang it up?”  After years of living from hand to mouth, from cave to cave, enduring unspeakable hardships, not to mention poor hygienic conditions, why not close down your business and give Mr. Obama a chance to improve the human condition? 

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